Confessions of a bad cook

I just hate cooking and everything after and before that. Right from searching for a recipe online, to shopping for the ingredients, to cutting and marinating, to cooking, to cleaning up after my mess, to washing the utensils, it is too tiresome and by the end of it all you hate what you have made and don’t want to eat it. Ro is an absolute foodie and loves anything from anywhere. I am fussy, extremely fussy when it comes to food. I hate seafood after a bad experience of a fish bone getting stuck in my throat when i was five years old. I think i will carry that experience to my grave. I don’t mind prawns as long as it doesn’t taste prawny (seafood haters would understand what im talking about). So when i make a prawn preparation, i masalafy it so much it hardly tastes of prawns. I like chicken but not the legs (i don’t have an explanation for that). I don’t like the liver, gizzard and the like. Ro loves it but since its too yucky for me to handle i don’t, and if he wants he does the needful on his own. I am also not a big fan of Mutton or Pork. So that leaves me with very few options. The irony of it all..i used to do food reviews for a living. The first review i ever did was at a Chinese restaurant and they served me lobster. You really don’t want to know what i did!

Well, the reason im writing this is because, after a huge argument at the super market the other day, we bought cod fillets. Ro was supposed to make his signature dish but then i thought i would give it a try and made this really awesome fish curry. I was so proud (obviously i used the ready-made masala for it). But i improvised it a bit after tonnes of research online. It’s come to a point where i can’t survive without the internet. I need to even check how much water to put in while making rice (laugh all you want..but i manage to mess it even after all that). My first experience with rice was not so pleasant. This was right after we got married. I used to call my mom every other day and find out how to make dishes (i was trying to be the good wife who cooked for the husband). Anyways, i asked her how to make rice in a pressure cooker and she explained it to me. I have this habit of switching off after a while (a habit i have now excelled in after listening to endless conversations on IT security, data privacy and the like..courtesy my bestest half). I made the rice in the cooker and tried to open the lid immediately after it was done (yes, now you know why Ro insisted on a maid). The pressure weight went flying all over the place and there was rice on the ceiling. I freaked out and i have a phobia about pressure cookers ever since. There is a joke that goes around in my family, ‘if you go to Nisha’s for lunch, you need to take a ladder with you, cos you need to scrape the rice off the ceiling and have it.’ So now i just boil it on open fire. Takes ages, but i’d rather do that.

I cant do stuff off-hand. Ro on the other hand just needs an outline of the recipe and he will go on his own trip. Its like watching Rachel Ray enjoying her cooking. At the end of it all, he will have this satisfied smile and would enjoy the meal so much. I, on the other hand, would crib while cooking, after cooking, while eating and then hate the mess i have created and pray a genie would appear out of nowhere around this time and grant me a wish (a wish would be too little..many wishes).

Sometimes its irritating that Ro knows so much about cooking, that the one time i actually get a bit pepped up, he gives his suggestions and ideas and gyan about what to do and what not to, i get so pissed off. The same happened while i was making the fish curry and we argued about it (yes our lives revolve around arguing). But it ultimately came out really well and i read somewhere (thank you lord for google) that if it stays on for another day, the better it is.

I bragged about it to my mom, but she didn’t believe me. I brag about the stuff i make but she’s never tasted any of it. She says she’ll believe it when she sees it. Fair enough! I have guests for Easter and now I’m a bit tensed. I am not sure i can carry off a whole meal on my own. Back in Chennai i used to entertain guests every other day. I had a driver to go buy grocery, a cook who was just out of this world and a maid to clean after the mess. But this time its me alone and hope i can do a good job. In case i don’t catch you guys in a couple of days, it’s because I’m slogging it out in the kitchenJ

Happy Easter to all of you.