Well, the bitch mode is on and its been that way for a while now. I am pissed off with anything and everything these days. I know i have been testing Ro's patience but hes not yet lost it. A lot has to do with the fact that i am seriously bored. An idle mind is a devils workshop and my mind is so screwed up it even puts the devil to shame. The days just crawl by and everything just seems to bug me. I pick conversations that would ultimately end up in an argument and then a fight (the 'you dont love me the same way you did, and i gave up my job and a good life back in India to be in this horrible country' are just examples). After three years of being married, Ro now knows where this usually leads to and so agrees to/with the things i say or just shuts up and listens to me go on and on about how horrible my life is.
I am not emotionally attached to anything (except my lovely clothes ofcourse) or anyone. I could easily make do with friends and Ro and end up not calling my family back home for ages. That does not mean i dont love them or anything. Its just that i take them for granted and expect them to know i think about them and love them more than anything. My mom recently complained about how my brother, who is in the US, and I dont keep in touch. She was pretty dramatic about it saying we would ultimately have only each other at the end and things like that. Its true we havent spoken in ages. We catch each other online once in a while and discuss stuff, then abscond for ages. But we both know for a fact that we are doing ok and absolutely love and care for each other no matter what. Ro on the other hand makes it a point to call his folks and sister every Sunday. He'd ask me if i wanted to call home and id be like, nah il speak to them later. And later would be really later. But there are days (like today) when i miss my family so so so much id just want to be with them. I call them up like a tough girl and fill them in on stuff out here. And then my dad says he misses me and a sob escapes. Id just want to be their little girl and not grow up at all. At that moment its like id do anything to just be with them. I'd speak to them for a really long time and then when i hang up I’m an emotional wreck. I pick on everything and anything and we go back to square one. Yes, i am quite an impossible person at times. Ro would say most of the time but its not true. I am not that difficult a person. Very few people are allowed to see this side of mine. I know for a fact that my best friends Riya and Sachu have been there and they sure can handle it. Riya knows me way too well, it sometimes scares me. Sachu will give a humorous twist to it and bring me out of whatever nonsense i am in. My mom would be able to figure out but i wouldn’t let her help me. She'd try for a while and ultimately leave me to handle it. Ro, nope he hasnt reached there as yet, but im sure he will. He is still struggling to handle me and understand me at the moment (newly married couples..no three years in not enough. Given a lifetime also i dont think men would understand women at all). But i so so hope he does get half way there atleast.
So ya, today was one of those horrible days and at the end of it all Im the one suffering. I don’t gain anything by doing so, other than make myself and the people around me uncomfortable. Its all because i am bored, unconstructive and jobless. So tomorrow is a brand new London beginning for me. The proactive me is gonna explore each and every nook and corner of London, start working outand maybe sign up for some volunteer work. I am so going to make use of my time in this country. Im allowed to brood and do my emotional trip once in a while, but i have promised myself i would snap out of it as soon as possible and look at things in a positive way.
Id also like it if Ro bought me some flowers tomorrow you know...just to pep me up a bit..it would be just perfect..but ya knowing him he’d ask me to just pick up the flowers i like. Why doesn’t he understand that id like anything he picks up? Well i did exchange the last two birthday gifts he bought me, but seriously how can people go wrong with flowers? Well that’s enough matter for a whole new post which i shall discuss another day.
Not too much of an optimistic start there eh? Well the bitch mode is jus fading away, there are still traces of it. Bear with me.
Anyways, I hope the weather behaves and i have the time of my life. Will update you on what happened.