Friday, 22 January 2010

No heading ...its a state of mind for me

This is how i wanted it to be:

Pass out of college and get a kick ass job
Move into an apartment on my own and live life to the fullest
Take salsa classes
Make enough money to do my higher studies in a good University abroad, preferably the US..i say abroad because the course i want to specialise in is available only in Universities abroad..and US because half of my family is there and i have a soft corner for US;)
Pass out with flying colours and get a job
Think about marriage
Build my way up the career ladder
Visit loads of places
Take up a hobby and be serious about it. Pottery, painting, baking, candle making and so on.
Meet a Mr. perfect (and by that i mean someone in my wavelength..there is no Mr perfect in reality)somewhere along the way and get hitched for life
Have the most amazing, romantic wedding ever and be so smitten and in love for ever and ever and ever
Honeymoon for about 5 years and then decided to go the family way
Have kids and still enjoy life to the fullest and not fall out of love in the process
Not stop 'having a life' because you are all settled down
Chuck the kids out of the house by 18 and go ask them to live life the hard way, make money on their own if they want to have an extravagant wedding (if they want to get married at all that is. Living together..good enough for me)
By now i would have reached somewhere up the career ladder, prob own a business or something and so id be tackling other areas of interest or expanding my business
Take a holiday without having to worry about loans and ailments
Die before my husband does :)

This is how it ultimately IS

Passed out of college and did land a job
Moved into an apartment on my own and was just beginning to enjoy life to the fullest.
6 months down, i got engaged and quit my job (no not to Mr. Perfect but to Mr. systematic and I'm-serious-in-life-i-cant-do-things-for-fun)
Had a pretty decent wedding, but not the one of my dreams. Smitten yes, for a good 2 years, after that it was just plain annoying to have a nagging husband..yes in our case.
Honeymooned for exactly one week and after that it was eclipsed. Fought on all valentines days, birthdays etc. after that, religiously :)
Pottered around a newly set up house, threw parties, had a tough time adjusting to the new person in my life and married life in general
Missed being single, a lot
Went off to the US. Was beginning to like it there when we had to return back to India
Frustration set in and i got a job, again
Enjoyed myself to the max, loved the job, loved being independent, loved the appreciation, loved the money, loved the pressure, loved life in general
One year down, quit the job, relocated to UK. Within UK, relocated quite a bit. And yeah uncertainty rocks!!!!! You should try it sometime
Frustrated, friendless, fat
Struggling to freelance from home. Was doing OK, till a bunch of unprofessional f****** in the publishing business decided to keep my pay stalling and i decided to quit. Thanks a lot F----e (you know which mag right?)
Non stop harassment from people-i-don't-care-about, about stuff i don't care about at the moment
Did i mention FAT?
...this is the story so far

Yeah yeah, sob, sob, i know everyone has their share of miseries. I'm in one of those miserable moods and the rainy, gloomy weather inst helping much. I complete 4 years of wedded bliss (quite a strong word to use, if i may say so) in 3 days. What a pathetic time for me to remember nasty things. Well, if only the world was a happier place to be in and life worked out just the way you planned it.
As if that wasn't enough, I am entering the big three zero soon and i haven't achieved any of those things i wanted to. Reality set in last night and i recalled all those things i wanted to do and which i would have done if my head had made the decision and not my heart. I cried myself to sleep and actually woke Ro with my uncontrollable sobs. He thought i had a bad dream or something and in between snores consoled me saying, its all OK...well, little does he know!

PS: Even though i have an emotionless, unromantic goof of a guy as husband, he is the only one who can actually stand me (although I'm sure he's wished a million times he'd married someone else). Understand me, not quite well, but bear with what I'm going through, yes to an extent. I love you and I'm sorry for being a bitch right now. I love the fact that you are so organized and planned and know what to do when you are 80 (if you are alive that is hahaha) even though i will tease you to death about it. I love it that you are neat and tidy and shout at me if i don't fold clothes properly, roll the toilet paper right and leave the toilet seat down:). Even better, i love it that you willingly do all this and more and are never lazy or tired to do anything (except of course shop which im ok with). I don't think i could have lived with a guy who wasn't you. Happy 4th Anniversary. Lets get drunk and celebrate 4 years of achieving nothing.


  1. OMG !!!...This is frigging uncanny !...Our wedding anniversary...The 4th on Monday the 25th ! aaaghh...I am totally psyched right now :p !!! We're planning a night out on the town... really do have similar many ways...although the difference's would be, i've got 2 little girls...( i have a college education) but don't work ( hubs does'nt like the idea of leaving the kids with nannies)...and well i turned 29 recently...and although i don't have much to complain about in terms of the quality of life i have here in the US....I am never completely happy. Friendless probably has something to do with that but living in new york....who has time for friends ?...

    This really was extremely fun to read... and screw those stupid magazine could they not appriciate such impeccable talent ! you are better of without them for sure.

    Hugs, Natalie

  2. Hi natalie..we have booked theatre tickets and yeah dinner afterwards probably...Happy anniv in advance. Hope u have an awesome time in NYC, which btw is my most fav place:)
    You are so right about never being happy, i think if i did and have all these id find other things to complain about. So is the way of life i guess.I already like u natalie..u really lifted my spirits there:) Thanks

  3. Awh ! :) I'm so glad !...really !... & Thanks so much... that sounds totally awesome, we love theatre too...

    Oh Yes !... nyc is pretty neat, but guess what?..., London happens to be my most favorite city :)...

    Perhaps you are an A type personality like I am...being too much of a perfectionist in general debilitates my ability to just sit down and smell the roses.

    Hey, although i don't have a blog, i do post pics of the stuff i cook on flickr...I'm not great or anything...but just thought you might like to see what kinda stuff i do :)...

    here's the link :

    Well b'bye for now ! :) ...TC...and hope you guys have an incredibly romantic time Monday :)

  4. Wow Natalie..thats pretty neat i must say...
    Have posted a few comments on your flicker page.

  5. You are echoing the thoughts of many women. leave alone a select few! Gosh!I don't even know how to console u.

    Make a list of the things u are yet to achieve (Can't do much abt the few that have already happened) and slowly set out to achieve them!

    Cheer up. I do hope you have a nice anniversary!

  6. This is by FAR your best post to date (with all due respect to Ro). Straight from the heart and completely what I can relate to (in parts). I have written similar stuff about broken dreams but I just lost the will to live by the end of it so I never posted it. Too bitter. It's all lying in my draft folder - just to look back on some day. It is really hard to keep moving forward when your better half doesn't seem to be moving at the same pace and I too do my part in holding him back from his dreams - as a result, both of us are unhappy.

    I know this is hard to accept but f*** F****E! Accept that you might not get paid at all but keep working, if any thing to keep your skills sharpened - this way, if you get paid at all, it'll be like a bonus. Looking forward to more posts like this di.

  7. Thanks Butterfly :)
    yeah i am doing some odd assignments her and there, but never again am i going to work for Frappe.

  8. Quite a post eh ;-D

    Jokes apart this just echoed most of my feeling 5 yrs back. But have to tell u tht compared to me u have lived it up quite a bit.
    And for heavens sake dont listen to people who keep hinting its time to have kids[I got the undertones;-P], have them when u feel comfortable abt the idea.
    I say this coz once I had kids there was this feeling of resignation abt all my hopes and wants....they automatically take a back seat u knw;-(

  9. was i that obvious about the kids part...hahaha and wow that u understood. It was one of those days and now when i read the post i feel stupid.

  10. Hi,..

    the entries for JFI can be of any cuisine :).. thanks for dropping by..


  11. Its so refreshing to read such an honest, true post in teh world of blogs. I think a million women can relate to this post!!

  12. tutut...relax open book. Life doesnt end at 30. I am not going to make the cliched statement of life begins at 30 or 40... You are better off than so atleast know what you want...u just need to work at it. A sincere effort and 10-15 yrs frm now, atleast half of them cud cme true. If u really wanna study in US, prepare for gmat. Nothing is easy nor free...keep wrking at it..all the best and God bless

  13. Anon..thanks for would have been nice if you left your name..i could look back 10-15 yrs later and say..hey that person left a comment on my post and thanks to him/her...i have achieved some of the things i want :)

  14. Hey there, for some reason I lost the link to your blog and found it again! What a heartwarning and heart wrenching post. I think I was you 5 years ago and 5 days ago. We're never going to stop wanting something else, or wondering what if. Try and take charge of the moment and do what you can NOW. Take a course, think about moving to the US again, set the wheels in motion. If the one job door closed, maybe there is another one opening somewhere.
    I'm constantly beating myself up for having kids "Late" and comparing myself to the younger mothers out there, and not realizing that now is perfect for me, and wouldn't have been 5 years ago.

  15. Hellow so glad to head im not the only one in this...yeah i know it was just a phase and im just finding reasons to complain...Moving abk to the US is not feasible and so ive decided to make the best of my time here in UK...ive started job hunting again and its not the best of responses i get, but lets see...Thanks again...

  16. Wow..its brave to write an honest post like this. First time in your space and like what I see..keep writing you are good

  17. That was one helluva entertaining post(although I mean it in an un-offending way)..It takes quite something to write stuff that you have and still care a damn about it.Love it Love it Love it!:)
    Go you!

  18. Really good post.. something that i can relate to... and thank you for being so open and honest and real... Sometimes i get the same feelings like you described in your blog... but I feel so stupid when i read what i had written at that time when I overcome that down feeling and frustration. I don't think that you are missing something if you are not here in US. You are really talented and keep on posting. will surely follow your blog. I have bookmarked it to my laptop. Cheer up and happy anniversary. I celebrated mine in Jan.

    " Person with your name "

  19. Hi..Nisha :)
    Well..ur so right about feeling stupid..cos right now im feeling incredibly stupid at this post...Have been meaning to write another one and cover the embarrassment but have not gotten own to it. Thanks for following my blog

  20. thanks to ur latest post i got led to this one.. i ve been missin from the blogosphere for missed this post earlier...

    and m wow-ed really... twas almost like u write bout my life..but only difference it the pace is faster in mine.. yea even my first anni and vday went off in fites and frustrated, friendless nad fat is perfect for wat m doin now..i wish i cud write it out like this..n get a life instead of goin along with someones plan giving up eveeything i had planned for in life and feel like a loser :)

  21. yeah thts the sad part..we dont want to be apart from each otehr but at the same time crib about it if we have 2 let go of everything and join them. I tried staying in chennai while Ro was on project for 3 months on and much as i loved the freedom and the independence, it was still horrible to go back home to an empty house, not to mention shit scared :)
    U tho..think of it as a 4 month vacation and see as many places as you me, its the best :) and then go back and start fresh

  22. aw...nish...i loved this post of yours...i feel like i'm finding my way around blogs again...n' reading this post just reminded me of a post i had left in my draft too...i think i did post it for all of 5mins before i sent it back to my drafts...:)

    renew ur list, you might find that you are already on the way to doing or already done a lot of things....infact i'm sure there will be so many things you never thought you might enjoy n' you are really good at right now...i think blogging n' cooking is just 2 of them...i know you have oodles of talent n' you are great at almost everything you set your heart on....:)

  23. glad you have started blogging again :)

  24. I accidentally stumbled upon your blog and this post. Loved it! I think it takes a really confident person to be so candid with yourself and to share it the world. You sound so much like me and my girlfriends, who have all been married for 3-4 years and at a point where we looooong for a little speck of romance.
    Keep it going. I look forward to your next post!

  25. Life has its ups and downs.
    Finally what matters is how one rides the waves.